Life changes.

It amazes me how many huge life changes I have been through in the last few years. I thought I'd never survive the first few months of Corb's life. He was such a difficult baby. It was hard on all of us. I remember thinking how disorienting it was not to be able to imagine what the future would bring. It was the first time in my life that I couldn't picture my life in a year, or 10 years for that matter. When my grandpa died it was hard, but I could imagine that it wouldn't hurt as much in a year and would continue to ease with each year thereafter. I wasn't disoriented. Corb's arrival disoriented me so completely that I couldn't even imagine that it would get easier in a year. Of course, it did although I never regained my full equalibrium.

Things continued to throw me off after that. First we moved. This wouldn't bother most people, but I have an extremely hard time moving. It takes me forever to feel comfortable in a new place. It doesn't feel like "home" for months. After the move there were petty family squabbles, job changes and school. Then my dad died. That whole experience was so surreal. I remember thinking while watching him die that it couldn't really be happening. Things like that just don't happen to people like me. But it did, and I had to deal with it. Oddly enough, life went on just like it always did. Then Marie died. I coped better with that. I can only assume that I was something of a pro after dad.

Then we had all those miscarriages. I think I did passably well with those too. It was hard, but I had some great support and faith and that seemed to be all I needed. Then we actually had a pregnancy stick. It was both terrifying and exciting. It was a tightrope walk between not wanting to get my hopes up and remaining thankful for my blessings. By the end of the pregnancy I was so impatient for Linc to be born because I knew I would never believe that the pregnancy was 100% viable until he was safely in my arms. Obviously the labor and delivery were a shock to my system, I never believed it would work!

Now Linc is here. Only, this time is different. This time I don't feel disoriented by not being able to see the future. I'm excited. I'm eagerly looking forward to seeing the person he grows to be, how he and Corb relate to each other and what our family will be like with four members instead of three. I never thought that having a baby in the house could be less than insanely stressful as it was with Corb. I'm finding every day that it is so much easier this time and that I'm more qualified for this job than I thought I was. Not that it's never hard, or stressful, or frustrating. It's just so much easier. I don't second guess myself or drown in the fear of my own ignorance, like I did with Corb. I have experience. I don't know if all my methods are the right ones, but they seem to be working great so far.

I guess that's all that really matters!