And life goes on..... sorta.

Most of you that know me really well know that I've been driving a couple of older folks to church for a few years. Bob and Marie. I've enjoyed their company greatly and they really are a couple of characters. I was no longer allowed to drive them once we started having our OB appointments (I actually should have stopped much earlier) because of the lifting involved in getting Marie out of the car. I finally bit the bullet and let them know what was going on. I felt really bad about it because they really count on me for that ride to church. Also, I'm really the only person Marie gets to see outside her home. Other than the people at dialysis, that is. Her family has been absent from her life since I've known her. Bob has a very nice family that he sees often so I don't worry as much about him. We've also not yet found someone to fill in for them while I am unable to drive them. In fact, we've never found a fill in person. We had one couple that did a great job pinch-hitting for me when we planned a trip out of town but then one of them became ill with cancer. Since then we've had nobody. I've put the word out at church that we need someone because we can no longer provide rides but haven't heard any responses yet. It seems funny that lots of people can run up to me on Sunday and tell me how utterly wonderful they think it is that I bring them to church every week and on and on and on, but when we put out a cry for help we are met with silence.

But really, I'm getting off topic. The real issue is this. I think Marie is on her way out of this world. I won't go into the entire story, but I will say that it seems pretty obvious that she had a stroke in her sleep Saturday night. When she awoke Sunday morning she had a pupil that was still completely reactive to light changes and one that was a pinprick and stayed that way. She has only uttered a couple of words in the last two days although she seems as upbeat as ever, giggling and hugging and drifting off to sleep at odd moments. I'm actually hopeful that she will go in her sleep and that it will be easy and peaceful and painless. I don't want her to be awake, I don't want her to have enough time to start thinking about it all and get scared. I also don't want it to be long and drawn out and painful. I think that she's dealt with enough pain and discomfort for a lifetime. She was able to answer in the negative when asked if she wanted to go to the hospital and gave the same answer when asked if she wanted to return to dialysis. I think she's just ready to be done. It's not as sad as it would have been for me 6 months ago, mostly because I know that since her last bout of pneumonia her quality of life has been in a steady decline. It has been very obvious that she was very unwell. Shortly after she was released from the hospital with that illness she was placed under Hospice care. The just seemed to know that her lungs were unlikely to clear out, although it's unclear if that is what's causing her current problems or even if it is a contributing factor. I feel sad about other things, though. I feel sad that she's still not heard from her family, and that when they decided to leave her alone I was the person to replace them. It seems that God could have made a better decision with someone who had more time and money. Maybe someone who was retired and had no children at home. I was able to take her to church, which is important, but there are so many other obligations in my life that I didn't often see her outside of that. I feel bad about that, and I probably always will. Yet, it feels somehow worse that some of her family live nearby and she was lucky if she saw them once a year. It's the kind of thing that should never happen to a person and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Yet, she is always cheerful and happy and always aware of her blessings and thankful for them. Really, I'll be lucky if I age to be half the woman she is. In the face of all the adversity, pain and lonliness that life has presented her she is the most upbeat, optomistic person I've ever met. She has impressed me since day one. I'm thankful for all the time I've spent with her and all the lessons I've learned since she came into my life. She did say she'd do me the favor of saving me a seat wherever they are singing in Heaven, so I'll get to sit with her again, it just may be a while. In the meantime, pray for her. Pray for an easy passage and a loving welcome. As if she could receive any other kind of reception!